Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I have a new favorite meme page
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw