ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
The future is now.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.