@SamGrittner: Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.
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@SlipperySecret: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. ...because I don't have time to get arrested today.
@joejwest: [knocking at the door] VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police! ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
@NikatNiteNite: Men go to bars for 2 reasons: 1) They don't have a wife to go home to. 2) They have a wife to go home to.