@SamGrittner: Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.
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@Scdavis24: They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.
@SusanRinell: Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes
@RobertPunchur: I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
@DanMentos: The projected sales figur- *phone buzzes* the proj- *buzzes again* *checks phone* Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I'm being owned online