7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
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“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
ibopfufen
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No