@SamGrittner: Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.
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@Reverend_Scott: [Shop class] Satan: Whatcha makin'? God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making? Satan: A bong.
@itsa_talia: my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he'd stop wasting the coke. it's like goddamn amateur hour with him.
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that's for sure