H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids