PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
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We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Not my job 😂
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.