@NerishaLakha: Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it's little Lego friends.
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@KeetPotato: [tortoise arguing with his gf] "FINE IM LEAVING" FINE [6 minutes later] are you going or not? "THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN"
@BYGH: My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
@Thee1_4U: My daughter just said that I'm the best dad she's ever had. So I got that going for me.
@bourgeoisalien: My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow." Dunno, think it's a little pretentious.