Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.