[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.