@KKAlThani: Every morning when the alarm goes off, I wake up & say "it's time to chase my dreams!" & then I press the snooze button & go back to sleep.
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@jimmy_boston: Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
@headway10: Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: "Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!" Grandpa: "It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!"
@ShortSleeveSuit: [working at prison coffee shop] I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business