My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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This is a true ally.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.