@Smooheed: Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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@stephenjmolloy: Barber: "How would you like your hair cut, sir?" Me: "With scissors." Barber: "Very good, sir." *puts samurai sword down*
@pixelatedboat: You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
@davidkenny100: Pal: on your date, don't let her think you get jealous on date Date: the steak please Me: So you know, I'm cool with you talking to that guy
@TheMichaelRock: Me *wakes up from nap* Wife: what are you doing up? Me: was I not supposed to wake up? Wife[nervous laugh] what?