@Smooheed: Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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@jonni_howard: "Your storage is full" thanks Apple, I'll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I'll always have the stocks app
@moooooog35: Me: What do you want for breakfast? Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES! Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
@robyn_vo: Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv? Me: Dad, that's Spongebob Squarepants Dad: Must've been in your sister's class
@CornOnTheGoblin: [sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?