Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK