Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
How about daylight saves us for once
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
OKAY DAD
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes