@brendohare: Every night someone breaks into my house & dresses me for the next day. I guess I'd be more upset if it wasn't saving me time in the morning
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@eddiepepitone: I'm with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
@lloydrang: 1970s: "Hey baby" 1990s: "Hey babe" 2014: "Hey bae" 2020: "Hey b" 2030: "All hail our glorious squirrel overlords"
@truegritrumble: So my wife discovered I keep writing "please help me" in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I'm not allowed to have checks.
@walks_on_legs: Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I'll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!