[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
You Might Also Like
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.