Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
accurate
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Not today. 😅
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*