My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all