every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.