@KimmyMonte: every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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@djangogold: if you can't handle me at my worst, you're probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
@FeverFlave: If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
@MartaEffing: [first date] Me: *sees he owns a cat* Him: Are you a cat or a dog person? Me: *maintains eye contact* *pushes cat off the table* *leaves*
@TheCatWhisprer: MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it's just a scratch MAN: [with a cold] omg i can't breathe i think i'm dying