every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Smells like a challenge to me
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No