[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Extremely relatable.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much