Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it