@AlexvanBeek: EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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@orange_rhymer: [robbing bank] leader: go in & grab everything you can *i go in to grab loot* Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
@geekysteven: BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it's not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
@DaddyJew: Girl: do you have a condom? Me: c'mon what's the worst that could happen *hears a knock on the door 4: daddy I think I started a fire
@jonnysun: job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre "dress for the job u want, right?" then just stare at them