@AlexvanBeek: EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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@jergarl: Wife: What ARE you doing? Me: [pelvic thrusting around the kitchen] Gettin jiggy wit it what's it look like? W: Making the dog nervous.
@ojedge: [1st date] Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders] Her: "Thank you but I'm not cold" Me: [covering her awful dress] "Yes you are"
@Kyle_Lippert: Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it's dead friends in your hand.
@BrettDruck: I posted "I did it!!!" to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.