*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Google Pay be like:
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.