Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
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Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I beg your pardon?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell