Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
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Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
The Backseat Boys
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Bit chilly again tonight.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.