I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
You Might Also Like
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
😂😂
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.