“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos