Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?