Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My new favorite headline
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
For the baby who has everything
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.