Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
don’t we all
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person