@RealPrincessKim: Every teen trick-or-treating tonight got a handful of candy and a, "You must be heartbroken. I can't believe Justin Bieber died so young!"
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@WilliamRodgers: TRUE STORY Just made this restaurant change its "All you can drink Brunch" Policy.
@juneohara65: 5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up? Me: Let's not rush things, OK?
@EndhooS: I invited Alan over for dinner. "Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he's Captain America?" *a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
@causticbob: A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark"