@RealPrincessKim: Every teen trick-or-treating tonight got a handful of candy and a, "You must be heartbroken. I can't believe Justin Bieber died so young!"
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@MamaFizzles: The children were nestled all snug in their beds until they had to pee get a drink show me they can whistle and ask me if birds have teeth.
@chriscr10571: The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
@Fred_Delicious: [Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"