@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
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@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
@theNuzzy: Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration. Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown. Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
@SteelFontana: Bad: Getting bit by a spider... Worse: ...inside your mouth... Worst: ...while making out with someone.
@Brianhopecomedy: I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old's burp.