@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
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@glenna_opt: we all had to sign a card for a coworker thats retiring and i just wrote "please take me with you" in it
@WhiskeySoured: Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. - watching the Olympics with my wife
@trojansauce: GOLDFISH: i swear i'll have your money by tomorrow GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money? GOLDFISH: who are you? GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where's my mon