@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
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@JustDontBugMe: When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs I bought one And I have never seen him since.
@gerryhallcomedy: My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She'll have cereal.
@thenatewolf: ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming. GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills