@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
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@sofarrsogud: The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it's a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
@_SingleBabyMama: Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says "open wide" & starts making airplane noises* Guy: *stunned silence* -Single Mama on a date
@Kilgore_Studge: I always write "boing" in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.