@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
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@dafloydsta: I lost my job today "What? How?" I just wasn't a good housekeeper "BUT YOU'RE A BEEKEEPER" Well that explains all the screaming
@Mr_Kapowski: My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
@AwsomeHairDay: If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.