@TheNaique: Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
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@steveffootball: A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn't make a face. We're getting married
@MarfSalvador: me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol mourner: [whispering] hey where's the priest going
@MarlonBrandNO: [Date] Me: tell me about yourself Her: I'm really vegan Me: oh no Her: and I have a kid Me: oh no Her: his name is Kale Me: ohhh noo
@GrantTanaka: [standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]