Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
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[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…