Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber