“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
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“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
i really liked this one
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
😂🤣😂🤣
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Florida be like…
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.