Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
You Might Also Like
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence