Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
A classic…
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Simple enough.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.