Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.