YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Chicago sounds lovely.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.