Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
🤣🤣🤣
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.