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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Every photo I’m tagged in
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying