@KKAlThani: Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.
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@Alex_LaVallee: Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
@WheelTod: Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
@StymieBrewer: Hey, hey...calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
@TheTweetOfGod: 30 And to his followers he said, "Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they'll never get to see me in concert."