@KKAlThani: Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.
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@shutupmikeginn: Can't wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post "what is this, 2016?" Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
@djdarrellripley: Him: How does my football throw look to you? Me: Like you're good at science...
@novicefather: *writes employment history on arm *writes professional references on thigh *writes email address on neck *adds "resume" to resume