Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
You Might Also Like
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
A bold strategy
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
looks legit
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?