Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
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I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My teenage children choosing violence
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Ovenable?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.