Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
You Might Also Like
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂