Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
no their not
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert