@SortaBad: Every time I'm at a friend's house I look at the ceiling & say "You like to watch, don't you.." so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at store] Salesperson: May I help you? Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
@One_FineMess: A cig takes 7 minutes off your life A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
@IntrepidDeviant: What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?