@SortaBad: Every time I'm at a friend's house I look at the ceiling & say "You like to watch, don't you.." so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam
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@SadMeterologist: Police: How did they break in? Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it? Me: They threw it through the window.
@PhilJamesson: Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding. Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
@ShutUpThatsWho: [1st night w/Russian bride] "take yr panties off" [smaller panties underneath] "them too" [even smaller panties underneath] "damnit..."
@Shot_Of_Cabo: (CPR class) Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt? Me to instructor: See what I'm up against?