Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
#math
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”