the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
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Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
no
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.