Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
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I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]