[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan