Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
You Might Also Like
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
i think we should see other cousins
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.