I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
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Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?