Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually