Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
That’s a good costume, I hope.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.