@Ristolable: Every time you get a haircut, you're essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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@puffin7911: When I say to my kids "sit here and watch cartoons" they hear "come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy."
@radtoria: my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it's giving me serious ideas, folks
@rolldiggity: ME: "This might be a dumb question..." SCIENTIST: "There's no such thing as dumb que--" ME: "Am I a dragon?"
@dafloydsta: [girlfriend sleeping over for the first time] HER: This is nice. ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.