Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Vodka burrito was a success
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Great Canadian literature.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.