Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
This guy’s not having it 😆
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos